Replici tari (II)

O serie de convorbiri intre turnul de control si pilotii de pe aeronave. Nu e de mirare de zborul este unul din cele mai sigure mijloace de transport.

Iar mai jos sunt probleme relevate de piloti in timpul zborului, inainte mecanicilor si rezolvarile gasite de acestia.




Subject: Convorbiri cu turnul de control

*O selectie de convorbiri "curioase", dar autentice
dintre piloti si turnul
de control*.

Tower : 'Pentru a evita poluarea sonora, virati 45
grade spre dreapta'
Pilotul: 'Ce poluare sonora putem produce la 7.000m
altitudine?'
Tower :'Cea rezultata din coliziunea voastra cu
727-le care vine spre voi!'

Tower : 'Sunteti un Airbus 320 sau 340?'
Pilot: 'Un A 340, desigur!'
Tower : 'Sunteti in acest caz amabil ca inaintea
startului sa porniti
si celelalte doua motoare?

Pilot: 'Buna dimineata, Bratislava.'
Tower: Buna dimineata. Pentru informatia dvs.: Aici
e Viena.'
Pilot: 'Dar eu aterizez in acest moment la
Bratislava.'
Tower: 'Aici e intr-adevar Viena.'
Pilot: ' Viena?'
Tower: 'Da.'
Pilot: 'Dar de ce? Doar voiam sa mergem la
Bratislava.'
Tower: 'Okay. In acest caz degajati si zburati spre
stanga.'

Tower catre un pilot, care a efectuat o aterizare
deosebit de dificila:
'O aterizare nu trebuie sa fie un mister. Pasagerii
trebuie sa stie cand au
aterizat.'
Pilot: 'Nu-i nimic, ca oricum aplauda!'

Pilotul unui zbor Alitalia, caruia un fulger i-a
stricat jumatate din
instrumentele din cockpit: 'Am ramas fara
instrumente! Nimic nu mai
functioneaza! Pana si altimetrul a renuntat sa mai
indice ceva...'
Dupa circa 5 minute de lamentari se aude comentariul
unui pilot de pe un alt
aparat: 'Taca-ti gura si mori ca un barbat!'

Pilot: 'S-a aprins o lampa indicatoare!'
Tower: 'Pai speram ca sunt mai multe aprinse.'
Pilot: 'Da, dar numai asta scoate asa mult fum!'

Pilot: 'Mai avem foarte putin combustibil. Asteptam
urgent instructiuni.'
Tower: 'Care va este pozitia? Nu va pot vedea pe
ecran.'
Pilot: 'Stationam pe pista 2 si asteptam cisterna de
o eternitate!'

Tower: 'Aveti probleme?'
Pilot: 'Am pierdut busola.'
Tower: 'Dupa cum zburati, credeam ca ati pierdut
toate instrumentele.'

Tower: 'Dupa aterizare, mergeti spre Taxiway Alpha
7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2,
Delta 1si Oscar 2.'
Pilot: 'Unde e asta? Noi nu cunoastem organizarea
aeroportului.'
Tower: 'Nu-i nimic. Si eu sunt doar de doua zile
aici.'

Pilot: 'Rog sa ne permiteti decolarea.'
Tower: 'Regretam, N-avem planul vostru de zbor.
Incotro zburati?'
Pilot: 'Spre Salzburg, ca in fiecare luni.'
Tower: 'Da, dar azi e marti!'
Pilot: 'Cum? Pai in cazul asta avem liber.'

Pilot: 'Aici nu exista un Follow-me car?'
Tower: 'Negativ. Aveti grija cum ajungeti singur la
poarta.'

Tower: 'Inaltimea si pozitia?'
Pilot: '1.80m si stau asezat pe scaunul din
stanga-fata.'

Tower catre pilotul amator: 'Cine e la bord?'
Pilot: 'Pilot, doi pasageri si un caine.'
Tower, dupa aterizarea 'jumulita' a pilotului
amator: 'Si totusi, de ce ati
lasat cainele la comenzi?'

Tower: 'Aveti sau nu aveti destul combustibil?'
Pilot: 'Da!'
Tower: 'Da, ce?'
Pilot: 'Da, Sir!!!'

Tower: 'Comunicati ETA-ul (estimated time of
arrival).'
Pilot: 'Hmmmm... Marti mi-ar conveni cel mai mult.'

Problemele ridicate de piloti si solutiile oferite de ingineri



Sa nu ziceti ca inginerii n-au simtul umorului.

Mai jos sunt niste probleme notate de piloti de la Qantas (compania aeriana
australiana) si
solutiile inginerilor de la service.

(P=Problema semnalata de pilot, S=raspunsul inginerilor.)

P: Cauciucul principal de pe stanga aproape ca trebuie schimbat.
S: Aproape schimbat cauciucul principal de pe stanga.

P: Zborul ok, doar "aterizarea automata" cam dura.
S: "Aterizarea automata" nu este instalata pe acest avion.

P: Joaca ceva la bord.
S: Strans ceva la bord.

P: Gaze moarte pe parbriz.
S: Comandat gaze vii.

P: Semn de o scurgere la echipament aterizare dreapta.
S: Semn inlaturat.

P: Franele de frecare blocheaza valvele de viteza.
S: Asta le este scopul.

P: Sistemul IFF inoperabil.
S: Sistemul IFF intotdeauna inoperabil daca este OFF.

P: Suspectez crapatura in parbriz.
S: Suspectez ca ai dreptate.

P: Motor 3 lipsa.
S: Gasit motor 3 pe aripa dreapta dupa ce l-am cautat putin.

P: Avionul merge caraghios.
S: Avertizat avionul sa stea drept, sa zboare cum trebuie, si sa ia
lucrurile in serios.

P: "Radarul tinta" bazaie.
S: Reprogramat "radarul tinta" sa cante cum trebuie.

P: Soricel la bord.
S: Instalat pisica.

P: Zgomot de sub bord. Suna ca un pitic care bate ceva cu ciocanul.
S: Confiscat ciocanul de la pitic.

Replici tari (I)

Vreau sa impartasesc cu voi niste replici mult prea tari. Sper sa va placa si voua! Daca mai aveti nu ezitati sa imi lasati un comentariu, ca sa putem face o compilatie de replici tari.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!

Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod )

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

Procrastinate Now.

Rehab Is for Quitters.

My Dog Can Lick Anyone.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.

West Virginia : One Million People and 15 last names.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it
.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

Smith & Wesson:The original point and click interface.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control
.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

And just how may I screw you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves
.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm just working here till a good fast food job opens up.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Adults are just kids who owe money.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

· So many men, so few who can afford me.

· God made us sisters; prozac made us friends.

· If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

· My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

· Princess: having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

· Coffee, chocolate, men. . . some things are just better rich.

· Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.

· If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

· Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

· I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.

· Guys have feelings too. but like...who cares?

· Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

· And your point is...?

· Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

· Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

· Do not start with me. You will not win.

· You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

· All stressed out and no one to choke.

· I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

· How can I miss you if you won't go away?

· Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

· If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

· Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies